“You think you kno me, but you have no idea.”

November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011




I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
a memory of a time when
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end,
it doesn't even matter.



WARNING: THIS IS A FREAKING LONG POST, SO IF YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO WORDS, YOU CAN SCROLL DOWN, THERE’S PICTURES. =)


PRIMARY SCHOOL, I was a nerd core. I dreamt I was a champion. Frizzy hair, big spectacles, dark and short, oh you wouldn't wanna kno more. I was a very narrow-minded, petty girl. I got jealous over my own friends. Mobile phones and internet were no existence in my life... yet. I had my first puppy love, and the only communication there was between the two of us were through letters, hello, it was the "In" thing then k. But I was more crazy over boybands like Backstreet boys, A1, Nsync, memorized their lyrics at the back of my head. One thing that never changed up till now was the hatred I’ve faithfully built for Mathematics. My first disappointment ever was knowing the WWE were fake. Tsk. I was never a bully. Neither was I ever bullied, which I thank God for that. Oh, did I tell you my best friend was Marissa? Remember you wore the “Care” t-shirt and mine was “Love” and we fought over which house were better? And you hardly knew how to speak Malay but look at how much you've grown now. =)

SECONDARY SCHOOL, a new cycle began. We started as the youngest, once again. And you get to see the mini matreps and minahreps of primary school turning into mouse. Nothing much changed for me though, at first. Still pretty much a nerd core. No make up, anti-contact lens and strive for the best. Harmony between friends, everybody was nice to each other. No betrayal, no hatred, none of that. My sister was my role model, I looked up to her. (Still do) I copied her everything. The way she dressed, the music she listened to, even the way she walked. I remember she used to vandalize the tables and chairs in our house and I would do the same. We were partners in crime. Natasha were too young to join us. But I was more of a follower. I couldn’t think for myself then. So once upon a time, my sister was an emo chick, ever since Good Charlotte came to life. I dressed as though I attend 100 funeral wakes a day. WHY? Cos my sister was emo and she was cool. But that ended soon after, phew. Then I had menses. Yea, what has it got to do with my change, you might think. I had blood coming out from between my legs and it scared the shit out of me and I grew the ultimate balls. hahahaha… Not. Still, no one bullies me, I bully no one. \m/ peace.

NAFA YEAR ONE, I had friends who shared the same passion, we do the same stuff, we study the same stuff we are THE SAME STUFF. Where I had the most memorable assignments piled up bit by bit. Still, I became a happier person, for awhile. But I wasn’t a good person, I did terrible things and Karma wanted me to pay. During the times, a lot of crap happened. I fought with my best friends and it changed everything. After that day, nothing stays the same. This is how bad stories end. But it's also how the best stories, begin. And Fitri, the text you gave me almost brought me to tears. Btw, You're missed too darling. You have no idea. I have a boyfriend, who you might kno by now is serving the NS. We're completely world's apart, to the point of thinking that we were each others’ Karma. I was scared of him, he was scared of me. It was kinda depressing, if you were to ask me. I can't help but worry of the bad things that may happen. Because of my past experiences, I became more protective towards my heart that sometimes I thought of giving up. But it was that very moment when he went down on his knees, each time I see myself through his eyes, I was godsmacked by all the things that he did. I can't tell you what it really feels like, but it made me realize then, that hey, everybody needs chances. I gave my word to love you. Cos I'm a lover, not a fighter. K takde link pulak. =x Hahahaha.


Moving on..


See, my life, it changes every minute of every day. I lose friends. I gain friends. I realized my friend wasn’t ever really my friend, and that person I used to hate can make a really good friend. I looked for love. I found love. I lose love. I realize all long that I’ve been loved. Along the way, I laugh. I cry. I laugh so hard that I cried. I do this, I do that. I really wish I hadn’t done that. Then I learn from that and am glad that I did. I have my ups. I have my downs. I thought I had it under control. I saw good movies. I saw bad movies. I wonder if my life is just one big movie. I look at others and wish I was them. Then I realize who they are and am glad that I'm me. I love life. I hate life. In the end I just find myself happy to be living life, no matter what’s thrown at me.




TAG REPLIES!



CACAT NAK MAMPOS: diam la kau. irritating bugger.

AIZAT: hahaha. love you too baby. =)

ARFAH: aww thanks! hope this one is better. =x Anyways, I'm doing alright too! =)

HAFIZAH: Yeah, it's never easy. =/ Yesyes, hope to see you around too. =)

B: k b. thanks. -.-"

FARAIN: yeah babe. You've helped alot you kno that. And love ya too. Hope all's good on your side. =)

KAKAK: I pray she'll rest in peace. Still miss her once in awhile. It's sucks when i think about her and then it hit me that she's not here anymore.


Goodnight, cyber world.

1. this is a just a temporary blogskin.
2. Photobucket's being a total bitch to me, making my life difficult.
3. Tomorrow is the day we've alllll been waiting for, yes people, it's the start of the WORLD CUP 2010!
   
4. World Cup's songs have been playing on replay in my Ipod, Itunes, everywhere since God knos when.
   
5. On top of everything else, babyboy's booking out early too tomorrow.
6. ohweh ohweh ohweh ohwehhh~
7. Oh, can anyone please remind me to ask Aizat to lie on the grass patch with his vegetable uniform. I keep forgetting. Darn. I want to see if the new uniform blends in perfectly compared to the old one. heh.
   
8. Proper update will be up once my babyblog's right and proper okay?
9. and your tag replies too of course! *wink
   

Okay. erm. what else.
oh yes!


10. Enjoy the weekends lovelies! =)



I was about to conclude my half a year of 2010. I was about to mention the fights I had with my Friends. I was about to mention the breakups I had, the pain I've caused to people. I was about to mention how things changed drastically then in such a short period of time, how I watched my life crumbled into pieces before my very eyes.

But I was also about to mention how despite it all, I was still glad that half of my year happened. Even though, through all the struggles I had I've completely learn a lesson from a respective mistakes I made. I'm glad that I took the fall and I stood back up. How I felt so blessed now. Because I knew who stood by me when I fall and who just said they would but never did.


until THIS came along...

Happy Life Forever ! :) says:
hi i miss u

Happy Life Forever ! :) says:
you know right abang fadli's mom passed away ?

In a blink of an eye, I was trembling mess from hip to knee, filled with so much emotions that only God could explain. I didn't wanna believe it. I COULDN'T believe it. I just couldn’t.

It was then that I realized how in a moment, everything can change. I've known her for six wonderful years. Honestly, I don't even regret a single second spent knowing her, although it was frightening half the time. But through time, I got to kno her more and she became like a second mum to me. She took care of me, she never once judge me.

Staring up at a dark gray sky and it was late afternoon, I smiled. Because the first thought that came to my mind was you. I was at your house. Many many months back, or maybe even last year. The way I'd remember it. Someone brought along this boyanese dish over and you were so anxious to let me try it. I can never forget your laughter, your instant reaction when I admitted to you I didn't kno how to eat it. You taught me how to eat it and we were all happily munching and stuff when you said, "I can teach you how to cook this if you want to." I told you I'd come by some other day. But things got from bad to worst between fad and I that I just had to call it quits and I got the point that ending it with him would also mean ending the relations with your family, your entire family. I was distraught by the thought of never seeing you guys again. It broke my heart, literally, I swear.

But in the circumstances, I don't see what else I could have done. Yes, that one fine day never happened. And I’ll forever regret that it didn't. You always said the best things about me. You always start making lame jokes with me to make me feel comfortable. I'll thank God for opening my eyes, for getting to kno you, even if it lasted only for awhile but they're the best memory I have and it's all that I have left of you. I hope you kno how precious you were to me.

Honestly, I'd be lying if I say I'm okay because I'm truthfully not. Yes, I am tremendously devastated. It seems surreal to think that she's just... gone.


But these tears that shed, they're tears of love. You will always be loved. forever and always.


to Fadli, Farhanah, Amalina and Faisal,
if any of you happen to drop by here,
My deepest condolences goes out to you. Hold on, you can never change what's been and gone, but kno that your mum was a strong woman who fought the greatest battle and now she's in a better place. Be strong for her. We'll heal in time, I promise. You'll see her some day.


R.I.P Cik hamidah hamdi.
Such a beautiful soul,
gone too soon.

♥