CHANGING WORLD

“You think you kno me, but you have no idea.”

talk about a fucking EGO trip.

Monday, March 22, 2010 || 4:54 AM

Make it my fault, win the game

Point the finger, place the blame
It does me up and down,
It doesn't matter now.

It's raining and the world is crying, just like I am. Honestly, I've grown sick and tired of this game. The empty promises, the reverse psycho babble, the false declarations, the pretend pursuit. And I'm sick of playing the broken hearted girl. The one who cries bucketful of tears for those who are probably laughing at me right now. The one who's always left wondering what happened. Most of all, I hate the players of the game.

One thing I've learnt in life is that, there will be people who won't like you for whatever reason. Sometimes utterly stupid, non-practical and illogical reasons but at some point in your life, you will have to come across these unpleasant individuals or groups. I learnt that the hard way. I had the people whom I thought were my bestfriends going against me. It's true when people say, "One's attitude towards something can speak volumes about their character." So now I kno. I can see clearly now.

If I'm not worth to you, then I shouldn't be bothered about you either. Why should I still stand up for people who don't even give a damn about me? But why is it that I keep falling into the same old destructive patterns? It's like I purposely set up myself to be hurt, time and time again. It's like I'm asking for it so I probably deserve it. But don't worry, soon I won't be here no more. Soon, you won't even remember my name.

At the end of the day, you can only hold your head up so high and then you've come to realise that no one really sees you for who and what you really are. It's a sad situation but I'm going to have to adapt to it. It's the only way I can push myself back on the right path and move forward. So I won't be stuck in this vicious downward spiral no more. I'm gonna save it for people who matter.

But right at this moment right now, I’d give anything; I swear anything, to leave. Leave this stupid country. Leave my piles of ridiculous non-stop hits assignments. Leave the people who I thought I knew. Leave my stupid condescending life. Leave the pain, the suffering, the humiliation. Leave the emotional baggage behind. Give me a good reason why I should even stay? There’s no reason for me to stay. No reason at all. Not even one. I want to find my life somewhere else. Start anew. On my own. Anything will be better than staying here. I'm drained. I wanna leave. For good.

WAR

Thursday, March 18, 2010 || 8:41 AM

Now it feels like soldiers in a war
and none of us are backing down.

aqiel zafryn

Saturday, March 13, 2010 || 9:35 AM

WELCOMING A NEW GENERATION TO THE FAMILY

This time around, I'll let the photos do the talking.

My coolest atok turned a year older! =D And I sketch a portrait of my grandparents both... which wasn't much of a good attempt. But I tried. =/

INTRODUCING: AQIEL ZAFRYN

Gosh. I love him to bits.
From the many pictures of me with Aqiel should tell that I was the most excited. Because he was my first ever nephew. Which makes me an aunt now! I don't kno why but I guess like Zam said, "naik pangkat mesti happy" haha. Doesn't explain much but oh well. Carrying Aqiel brought out my unknown maternal instincts somehow. I've always been a sucker for babies but I just couldn't resist this particular one. Maybe because it's been awhile since we have a baby in the family but just looking at that adorable and innocent face, and I feel myself melting. It's like all the crappy things I'm going through now is put on hold the second I saw him. Now that really puts a smile to my face. Gosh now I sound like a mother. I kno, okay, I'll stop now. =x

Oh, did I mention that I witnessed a reaaaal crime scene right in front of my block? Like a real life CSI happening in front of my house? Did I? No?

SURRENDER

Sunday, March 7, 2010 || 8:50 AM

Things have been getting from bloody unbearable to worse. You think that people who love you wouldn’t hurt you right? Think again. Sometimes those who love you the most can hurt you the worst.

The thing that irks me the most is people who assume stuff about me and especially if it comes from people who knos me the best. And the worst thing I can get right now, is being misunderstood. Why must some people just base everything on the surface? When is too much, really just too much? What if something that was supposed to make us stronger, ends up killing us, instead?

But I've come to the conclusion that, I have had enough of trying to make you understand. I want you to be able to understand me and not hope that you understand me. But sometimes people just don't understand what you're going through and assume that just because you're keeping it all together and smiling on the surface means that everything's fine and dandy. There's a reason why I didn't tell you stuff because I don't want you to think that I only go to you just when I want to vent my frustration to. I just thought you understood. Obviously I was wrong.

Not everything you see is true. The problem with you is you think you can see right through me, which made me unable to tell you what I really felt or think. And if you have tried hard enough, if you put in effort to open up and make yourself understand, to dig a little deeper from the surface, you might just find the solution to this instead of letting it be like this. All those times, I really wish you'd get me sometimes. Yet you brush it all aside, making me feel like a fool when I'm trying to explain myself.

But whatever. I'm not going to run to everyone to tell them my sob story and bask in the sympathy and be elated that people care about me. Last thing I need is sympathy. True, I am still struggling to stand up on my own 2 feet, but at least I'm trying. Whether the rest of the world sees or knos is a different story.

I SURRENDER.
Tell me what's the point of fighting?

FUCK IT.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010 || 6:13 AM

In my shoes, just to see what it's like to be me

I'll be you, let's trade shoes

just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain,

you feel mine

go inside each others' minds

just to see what we'd find

look at shit through each others' eyes.

What happens when you try to be there for somebody but they push you away?

What happens when you try to make up for the things you did but you were ignored?

What happens when you don't understand where you go wrong?

What happens when your filthy emotions get the best of you?

How do you understand something you don't actually understand?

What do you do when you can't be there for everybody you care for, everybody you loved?

How do you make them understand?

What happens when they don't see it?

How does it feel like when everybody is going against you?

What the hell is there to do to feel appreciated?

How does it feel like to be hated by many?

How does it feel like to be judged?

Yes, assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups.

Tell me if it feels good cos I might be needing you to be my motivation.

Funny when you stop and think and wonder who you really are,

deep deep down inside.